


Because of You

by bringmesomepie



Series: In the Spirit of Song [18]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abused Dean Winchester, Abusive John Winchester, BAMF Castiel, Big Brother Dean, Child Abuse, Dean Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, F/M, Feels, Gen, Homophobic John Winchester, Hurt Dean Winchester, I cried while writing this, I'm Sorry, John Winchester Being an Asshole, Kelly Clarkson - Freeform, M/M, Mean John Winchester, Older Dean, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Castiel, Sorry Not Sorry, Tears, really young, song!fic, younger Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-16
Updated: 2015-06-16
Packaged: 2018-04-04 17:25:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4146324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bringmesomepie/pseuds/bringmesomepie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because of you<br/>I never stray too far from the sidewalk<br/>Because of you<br/>I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt<br/>Because of you<br/>I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me<br/>Because of you<br/>I am afraid</p><p>Because of You By: Kelly Clarkson</p>
            </blockquote>





	Because of You

They met in a grocery store of all places. He was wearing black jeans, black converses and a black sweatshirt with the hood over his head. He didn’t wanna be noticed. He walked down an aisle looking at his feet when he bumped into someone forcing him to lift his head.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled glancing up and catching this man with bright blue eyes. He couldn’t look back down.

“No, it’s fine, I wasn’t paying attention.” He smiled. He squinted and looked closer at him. “Have I met you before?”

“No.”

“I’m Castiel Novak. I work at the bookstore down the road part time, I’m a senior in high school.”

Dean cleared his throat. “Dean.”

“Nice to meet you, Dean. I think I know you from school, but haven’t seen you around in a while.” Castiel smiled and stretched out his hands.

Dean was hesitant. He took the boys hand. “Same, umm, I dropped out a month ago.”

“But you’re a senior and schools almost out. You could have graduated.” He gasped.

Dean lowered his head. “I have to go…” He began to walk away.

“Wait, when will I see you again?” He was gone to the checkout paid and left without looking back. “I didn’t even get your last name.”

Dean ran out of the store and over to the car and shoved his things in the back and slid into the passenger seat. “What took you so long?”

“I’m sorry, I’ll be faster next time.”

“I asked you to do one fucking thing and you took your time?” He spat in Dean’s face.

Dean kept a straight face. “I’m sorry, sir.”

“I should have just done this myself, but no I had to let my worthless son do it.” He grumbled.

“I’m sorry, Dad.” Dean tried to say but John punched him across the face.

“Shut up.” He drove off. “I should have just brought Sam, he’s three and could have done a better job.”

 ** _I will not make the same mistakes that you did  
will not let myself_**   
****_Cause my heart so much misery_

John stepped out of the car and walked to the door. Dean quickly grabbed the groceries and followed his father. He shut the door and John was waiting standing a few feet away from the door. “You have 5 minutes to put everything away and you’ll miss the beating I’m gonna give you.”

Dean dashed to the kitchen and put everything away as fast as he could be on the last item John grabbed Dean’s wrist. “Times up.”

“Dad, please, don’t.” Dean shrunk and begged.

“You did this to yourself.” John flung his son to the floor “You are a worthless piece of trash. You should be grateful I even let you inside this fucking household.”

“I’m sorry, Dad. I am grateful.” Dean stared up at his father.

“It sure doesn’t seem like you are grateful, two times in a row you fucked up. That deserves a beating.” John bent over and pulled Dean to his feet and dragged him towards the basement door. “I give you shelter, food, water, comfort and all I get back from you is sloppy halfassed bullshit.”

“I’m sorry.” Dean panicked.

“You should be.” John slammed his eldest son on the table in the center of the room. He pressed Dean’s face hard against the surface and let Dean’s feet hand over the edge. “One day, you’re gonna learn to obey your father, boy.”

John moved his hand from Dean’s face. He began to pull Dean’s pants completely off, including his boxers underneath. He yanked him off the table and pulled off his shirt. Roughly, he pulled off Dean’s shoes and socks before bending him back over the table. John’s hand was in the center of Dean’s back. “Dad, please, no, I’m sorry. I’ll be good. I’ll be obedient.”

“It’s too late for that, boy. You’re gonna get it tonight.” John un did his belt with one hand and folding it in half and cracked it against Dean’s ass. Dean let out a yelp in pain. John did it again, even harder. Dean belted out a scream. John moved and grabbed a paddle and took Dean’s ankle.

Dean pulled himself up with his hands. He turned his head just enough to see was John was about to do. “No! Daddy! Please!”

John pulled the paddled back behind his head and slammed down onto Dean’s bare foot. His arms gave out and he screamed. John smack the bottom of his foot and again, getting another scream from Dean. He let Dean’s foot fall and went to Dean’s back. With a blink of an eye John popped Dean’s in the back with his belt. Dean gripped the side of the table and cried out. “I’m just getting started, boy.”

“Don’t, Daddy, please!” Dean begged. John threw him off the table and Dean collapsed on the ground. John got on his knees and took Dean’s shoulder and socked him right in the nose. Blood dripped out of the left nostril, but Dean didn’t have any time to react because John hammered him left and right. By the time he stopped Dean’s mouth was bleeding along with drool, and his left eye was swollen and his nose was bleeding. John let him collapse to the ground. John once kicked him twice more then spat on him. “Get up and clean your face. You have work in the morning.”

**_I will not break the way you did,  
You fell so hard_ **

He didn’t sleep that night he stayed up until it was dark out and John was passed out and he went to the free clinic. Nothing was broken which was good, but everything was puffed up and bruised. How was he gonna explain this to Bobby?

It was still late when he got home and when he quietly walked to his room and pulled off his clothes. He saw a tiny figure step in his doorway. And turned and looked at his little brother. The last good memory he had of his mother, who had died during childbirth. “Why are you up, Sammy?”

“Monsters.” He whimpered.

“Come on, big boy, we’re gonna check for monsters.” Dean picked the three year old up and they checked for monster and came up empty handed and Dean got Sam back to sleep. He walked back to his room and John was standing in the doorway.

“We have rules for a reason, correct Dean?” John spoke.

“Yes, sir.” Dean stood at attention.

“One of my rules is that you can’t leave the house unless instructed, right?”

“Yes, sir.” Dean replied, getting nervous.

“I heard you leave, when you thought I was asleep. You’re a ruthless little slut.” John walked towards Dean. “Basement now, this is your third strike.”

“No, Daddy, please.” Dean begged. “I’ll be good, I promise.”

“Just today you have disobeyed me three times.” John pressed his index finger to Dean’s chest. “Basement now.”

“Yes, sir.” Dean jogged to the basement door. He turned the knob and walked down the steps turning on the light as he descended. John followed behind him and shut the door. He was shaking in fear.

“You were out sucking dick, weren’t you?” John spat out.

“No, sir, I swear.” Dean frantically spoke.

“I told you not to go outside of this house and you disobeyed me.” John towered over the 18 year old. “Just today, you have fucked up three times. I didn’t raise you to fuck up.”

“I’m sorry, Dad. Give me one more chance. I’ll do better. I won’t go to work tomorrow.” Dean begged.

“Oh you’re not going to work tomorrow, because you’re going to be down here, but I’m still going to beat some sense into you.”

John grabbed a handkerchief and tied it around Dean’s mouth, so he couldn’t speak and his yells were muffled. He took Dean’s wrist and cuffed them to the pipe hanging from the ceiling so Dean had to reach on his toes. John grabbed his whip and smacked it against Dean’s bare stomach with a loud pop. Dean screamed. After an hours Dean was bleeding and blistering. John’s last crack of the whip was his worst. He over shot where he was going to hit and at full force, harder than he had been, the whip slashes Dean’s face, knocking out cold. John called it a day and went up stairs not even letting Dean free.

**_I've learned the hard way  
To never let it get that far_ **

“What can I get you?” He spoke to the man in a grey shirt and jeans.

“Just a beer.” The man spoke. He squinted his eyes. “Do I know you from somewhere?”

“Probably, but whatever.” He spoke uncaring as he cleaned a glass. “Just like I know you’re under 21, but I’m giving you a beer anyway.”

“That was easier than I thought.” He smirked.

“Well, today’s your lucky day.” He spoke emotionless.

“What’s your name?” He asked. “I’m Castiel.”

“Yeah I know.” He spoke, smirking. He glanced up at the confusion on Castiel’s face. “We’ve met before.”

“Something about you seems familiar but I have never met anyone with that kind of scar.”

“The names Dean.” He nodded as he gently touched a still healing wound going from his eyebrow to his cheekbone.

“I remember you, now. We met at that grocery store.” Castiel pointed smiling. “That was what a month ago?”

“Yeah, there about.” Dean nodded wanting this guy to go away.

“Well, what happened to your eye?”

Damn, this guy was curious. “Uh, I fell down the stairs and scratched my face up pretty bad.”

“That must have been one bad fall.”

Dean shrugged. “It was fine.”

“So are you gonna go to a college when school starts back up.” Castiel smiled.

“Nah, I’m working here and at the Singer Salvage.” Dean informed.

Cas frowned. “You’re not going to get an education?”

“I’m helping my Dad raise my little brother.”

“How old’s your brother?” Cas asked. “I am the youngest of four brothers and a sister.”

Dean wanted to just walk out but Ellen would have his head. “Uh, he’s three. Wasn’t exactly planned.”

“I’m guessing…”

“Yeah, don’t say another word.” Dean snapped.

Cas shut his mouth then took a swig of his beer. “I think you should go to college. You don’t wanna be a mechanic your whole life.”

“Seriously, dude, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave you if you don’t stop telling me how to live my life and asking me these personal questions.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be nosy.” Castiel seemed to get smaller.

Dean nodded and walked down to the other side of the bar. He got people few drinks then Castiel moved closer to him. “What the fuck, dude? Why’d you move?”

“I’m sorry, man. I didn’t mean to be so forward with you.”

“It’s alright, man. Seriously, I have to work.” Dean tried to push him away but Castiel stayed.

“I was wondering if you would want to hang out sometime.”

“I don’t think so, bro. I’m pretty busy.” Dean cleaned another glass and handed Cas another beer. Someone tapped Dean on the shoulder. He turned his head and saw Jo. He smiled. “Hey…”

She pecked him on the lips. “Mama said that you can go since you were covering part of my shift.”

“You’re welcome. I’ll be here early tomorrow.” Dean pecked her lips again.

“Can’t wait. I’ll let you finish with the last of your customers and then we can switch.” Jo walked to the other side of the bar. Dean turned to Cas, who seemed slightly disappointed.

“She’s my little brother’s babysitter while I’m here.” Dean informed.

“Then why is she here if she babysits you brother?”

“My brother is with her Mom upstairs cause Jo had some stuff to do.” Dean tapped his fingers on the counter. He glanced up at the clock. He had to be home in 15 minutes.

“How long have y’all been together?” Cas tapped his glass with his fingernail.

“3 years, 4 next month.” Dean smiled.

Cas nodded. “You look happy around her.”

“Well, when your life is crap, little things and few people actually make you feel human.” It sounded strangle coming out of Dean’s mouth. Why was he telling this to a weird guy basically stalking him?

“It’s been great talking with you, Dean. Can we hang out sometime?” Cas asked again

“Maybe.” Dean said as Cas dropped a 20 on the counter. “Dude, this is 15 too much.”

“I know.” Cas smirked and walked out for the bar.

He shrugged, kissed Jo, and walked up the steps. He heard his little brother laugh. He walked into the room and he saw Ellen sitting on the couch with Sam in her lap as they watched TV. “Sammy…”

Sam’s head whipped over to the voice. His whole face lit up. “DE! Deanie!” Sam squirmed in Ellen’s lap.

Dean dropped to his knees and Ellen set Sam on the ground. He scooped his little brother into his arms and stood as he blew a big raspberry on Sam’s cheek. “Hey, Samster. Did you have fun with Mama Ellen?”

“Yeah!” Sam giggled.

“He was great as always. Thanks for staying longer than normal so she could get a few things done.”

“No problem. I’ll see you next weekend, Ellen.” Dean nodded and walked down the stairs and out of the building.

Sam talked in his half toddler language and half sort somewhat something Dean could understand the whole drive home. “Dammit.” He mumbled as he saw the John was already home, so he parked on the opposite side of the road from his house.

He pulled Sam out of his carseat and onto his hip. “Are…are we gonna see Bobby tomorrow?”

“I don’t know, buddy, you might.” Dean spoke softly. Sam gently touched Dean cut on his eye and Dean flinched. “No, Sammy, don’t touch Deanie’s boo-boo, it hurts.”

“I’m sorry, Deanie.” Sam whimpered as Dean stopped right before crossing the street towards the home. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Why you not movin, Deanie?”

“Um, Sammy, remember you gotta look both ways before crossing the street so cars don’t hit you.” Dean informed the three year old. He looked both ways at eh empty road and walked across the slowly made his way to the doorway. God he didn’t wanna open the door.

**_Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk_ **

“Come on, Jo. We talked about this already.” Dean sighed as he pulled on his jeans.

“No I talked and you shrugged it off.” Jo remarked.

Dean sat back down beside his girlfriend. “Jo, babe, I love you, but as Sammy is living with John, I am living with John.”

“He hurts you, Dean.” Jo pouted.

“Jo, enough.” Dean stood again. “I gotta go, Dad thinks I’ll be home in 20 and Sammy gets home from after school daycare in an hour.”

“I don’t want you to get hurt.” She spoke.

Dean had his back towards Jo. What she knew was too much, for all she knew is that John was a strict son of a bitch even though Dean was 20, and _sometimes_ get drunk and hits Dean. “I’m not gonna get hurt, Babe.”

“Promise me you’ll be careful.” Jo pouted.

“I’ll be fine.” Dean turned around and kissed her. “I love you.” He walked down the steps of the Roadhouse and pulled on his jacket. He turned to look for Ellen at the bar when he spotted the last person to be here sitting at the counter…John. His father had already spotted him, so he walked over. “Hello, Dad.”

“You’ll be off at 5?” John spoke.

“Uhh…”

“What time were you really supposed to get off today?” John swirled the scotch in his glass.

“4” Dean lowered his head.

John nodded. “Have fun lying to your father? Is she cute? Did you get her number?”

“It was Jo, sir. We have been dating for 6 years.” Dean spoke.

“I don’t give a rat ass if she was pregnant with your baby and giving birth upstairs. You lied to me so you could get away from me.” John stood from the bar stool. Ellen emerged from the back.

“Bye Ellen, I’ll be back on Saturday.” Dean walked out before she responded.

“I’m picking up Sammy today. You are going to beat to raw to think of moving, you worthless, piece of shit of a son.”

Dean stayed to the left of John. He knew that John’s weak side, or what Dean liked to call it, his safe side, cause John could throw a good punch with his left first. “Yes, sir.”

**_Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt_ **

“Wow, you still work here?” Dean heard as he wiped the counter down with a rag.

He looked up to a man with blue eyes, black hair and a trenchcoat. “Can I help you?” He asked confused.

“You don’t remember me?” He sat down at a stool with a smile that could light up a room.

“Sorry, man. I don’t. Wanna anything to drink?”

“Just a beer.” He sighed. “I’m Castiel Novak. We ran into each other literally, in a grocery store and I came here like 4 years ago and you let me get a drink even though I was under age.”

“You aint the first person I have done any of that too.” Dean shrugged. “The name sounds familiar though.”

“We went to high school together before you dropped out.” Castiel informed.

“Sorry, dude, I should have told you right off I don’t remember much back then.” He tapped his head. “Head injury. I’m missing memories, and others are real blurry.”

“Oh no.” Castiel looked upset.

“I think I do remember the grocery store thing.” Dean smirked. “God, I was an idiot back then.”

“Are you still dating Jo?” He took a swig of his beer.

Dean look at his left hand and sighed. “Nah, she left shortly after my head injury. Couldn’t handle my past.”

“Well, she’s stupid. We need to catch up sometime. Hell, get to know each other better.” Castiel smiled.

“She’s not stupid. She’s very intelligent and the damn smartest girl I know, because she decided to leave.” Dean cleared his throat. “I gotta get something outta the back.”

Dean stepped into the back and quickly shut the door. He rushed over to Ellen’s office and he entered without permission and leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor breathing in pants. He brought his knees to his nose and wrapped his arms around his legs. _“Oh God, oh God, oh God…”_ He heard someone calling his name. He didn’t answer. He couldn’t speak louder than a softly whisper.

“Dean, I’ve been getting a few complaints about you serving them drink but randomly disappearing back here. You haven’t been back up front in 20 minutes.” He recognized the voices as Ellen’s. She knew where he was.

_“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”_

Ellen entered her office and looked down at the ground at the 24 year old man on the floor. He lowered herself to the ground and smiled softly. “Dean, John’s not here. You’re safe, sweetheart.”

_“Please, no, don’t. Please, no, don’t. Please, no, don’t.”_

She got on her knees and touched Dean’s knee cap. “Dean, honey, It’s Ellen. You’re safe, it’s just you and me here. Are you listening to me, Dean?”

He had stopped mumbling but tears still flowed down his cheeks and he was shaking all over. He didn’t look at Ellen. His grip on his own legs didn’t loosen, but it was something.

“I’m gonna get Ash to pick Sam up from school and I’ll work the rest of your shift or work your shift until you are ready to walk with the living again.” Ellen kissed the top of his head. “Sam get out of school in an hour, so in 1 ½ hours he should be home. You can stay here until he gets here or whenever you feel like it.”

She walked through the back, talked with Ash and stepped behind the counter. “Sorry, boys, Dean had to go lay down for a little while. He’s fine, but you’re stuck with me for a while.”

“He was fine before he went back.” A man with blue eye spoke.

Ellen cocked her head to the side. “Who are you?”

“Castiel.”

She nodded. “Were you talking to him before he left?”

“Yeah, we were catching up on lost time.”

“That’s what set him off.” Ellen mumbled to herself.

“Excuse me?” Castiel replied.

“I’m sorry, Dean…isn’t the same Dean you met him as. Things have happened in the past few years.”

“I heard about a head injury.”

“Castiel, it would be best if you weren’t here when Dean comes back. You’re only going to make things worse.”

“I don’t understand, I haven’t done anything.” Castiel blinked.

“You must have done something. Dean only does this when it’s around someone from his past that isn’t me, my husband or his brother.” Ellen frowned.

“Can I talk with Dean?” Castiel stood from the bar stool.

She shook her head. “Let’s talk in private over here.” Castiel followed the woman. “Obviously Dean doesn’t know you very well, and you know him very little. I just know that you said something to him years ago that stuck in his head. He has very bad PTSD and is going through an episode right now, so talking with him would not be a good idea.”

“But…”

“Honey, I know that you must have a big crush on Dean, have had one for a long time, but Dean is broken. He can look and act like a normal human, but behind closed doors he is broken, all while he tries to raise his brother and work two jobs.”

A man with a mullet and a cut off sleeve plaid shirt walked over to them. “Ellen, I checked on Dean like you said and you is coherent and moving. I’m now gonna pick up the little crowd surfer.”

“Thank you, Ash.” Ellen nodded and looked back at Castiel. “Please, just don’t come back here.”

“Yes, M’am.” Castiel nodded.

**_I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me  
Because of you_ **

Dean sat in the back biting his fingernails staring blankly at the walls when Ellen walked in with Sam holding her hand. “Look who’s here, Sammy.”

“Deanie!” he squealed and dashed over to him.

Dean blinked and smiled. He opened up his arms and lifted his little brother into his lap. “Hey, buddy, how was school today?”

“Great! We played outside and Mrs. Missouri told us stories and we watch Bill Nye.” Sam made a list.

“Sounds like fun day. Are you glad to be home now though?” Dean stood set Sam on his hip.

“Yeah, I’m tired.” Sam announced. “Why did you pick me up today?”

“I wasn’t able to go at that moment, buddy. Ash did a good job, right?” He said as he pasted by Ash, who smiled goofily at Sam.

Sam nodded. “Can I sleep with you tonight, De?”

“Why are you asking so early?” They headed to the car. Sam didn’t answered until he was placed in his carseat.

“You got scared again, right?” Sam asked.

Dean nodded. “Yeah, Sammy, I got scared again. I’m better now, but if you wanna protect me tonight you sure can, but you know I protect you 24/7.”

“It’s my turn.” Sam proclaimed.

“Are you up the challenge, young Samster? Sleeping with Big Brother Deanie, who hogs the blankets and snores is a hard task to conquer.” Dean could see right through Sam. Perks of being so much older. “You miss Daddy, don’t you? You don’t wanna hurt my feeling, don’t you?”

“Daddy hurt you a lot. I don’t wanna miss him, but I do.” Sam pouted.

“You can miss him, Sammy. He was good to you. I would never let him hurt a hair on your head. He only hurt me, and now he won’t be hurting anyone. It’s ok to miss Daddy. Do you know who I miss?”

“Who?”

“Mommy.” Dean smiled softly. “Remember when I told you she died when you were born.”

“Yeah, you miss her?” Sam was almost shocked. “I didn’t know her.”

“Of course, silly. You weren’t even a day old when she pasted. I had just turned 16.” Dean informed.

“Before bed tonight can you tell me a story about Mommy?”

“Sure thing, Sammy.” Dean smiled as he shut the back door and got in the drivers seat.

**_I am afraid_ **

Dean walked down the cereal aisle with Sammy holding his hand. “I want that one!” he declared.

“You had those last time.” Dean informed taking the frosted Flakes out of his hands. “Let’s try something else. You don’t wanna be unfair to the other cereals.”

“Fruity Loops!” Sam let go of Dean’s hand and ran over a few boxes and grabbed the biggest size box there was.

Dean laughed and crouched down on the balls of his toes. “How about we go to the normal size box of Fruit Loops, Sammy?”

He placed the fruit loops in the basket hooked on Dean’s free hand. “What next?”

From some reason Sam loved shopping. He was eager to help Dean search for food, or clothes, or soap, or whatever. “We just need more milk and we can head on home.”

“Can we go to the bookstore after this?” Sam begged tugging on Dean’s arm.

“If we get milk, we have to go straight home.”

“Then we don’t get milk!” Sam had a strategy.

Dean laughed, he loved Sam’s innocence. “We’re out of milk, buddy. We can go home and put away all of the groceries and then go to the bookstore.”

That’s exactly what they did and two hours later they stepped inside the little bookstore they went to occasionally. Sam ran directly to the kids section so Dean looked around. He needed some more books, cause he had read all of his least three times. “Need any help looking for a book?”

He flinched and took a step back. It took him a second to process. It was Castiel. “Oh, uhh, uhmm…no.”

Castiel’s eyes lit up. “Dean? It’s been a while.”

“Yeah, you haven’t come by the Roadhouse in a while.” Dean rubbed the back of his neck.

Cas nodded. “I’ve been pretty busy. What are you up too, nowadays?”

“Uhhh, I work part time at Singer Salvage and full time as a now Manager at the Roadhouse. How about yourself?”

“I own this bookstore, now. They own wanted to sell it and I bought from them. It’s good thing a majored in accounting and management.”

Dean smirked. “Yeah, that’s awesome. Sammy loves this place. I can already tell he’s gonna be big one day. He loves reading. I just come here to look through the books and see what appeals to me, probably get a Vonnegut book.”

“Interesting. How is your brother? He’s quite young, correct?”

“He’s great. He understands I’m not the best guardian. We deal. I spoil him a little bit, because he needs it.”

“You are doing a great job. I can tell. He looks so happy and that’s all that matters.” Cas smiled and Dean looked down at the ground. “Are you doing anything Friday?”

“Uh, no, why?”

“Would you like to go out for dinner with me?” Cas asked with all the confidence in the world.

Dean went back to rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t know, man, it’s not that I don’t like…which I do, or that I don’t swing that way…which I can…it’s just…I have a lot of baggage. I mean a lot. There’s a lot people don’t know about me. I’m not…I’m not mentally stable.”

“I think you’re stable enough. We all have baggage, Dean. Let me take you out for dinner. Just dinner.” Cas stepped closer to Dean.

“O-ok…” Dean stuttered. Cas pulled out a pen and wrote his number and Dean’s arm.

“Text me your address.”

“Sure, sure thing.” Dean nodded and blushed. Next thing he knew Sam was pulling on his jeans.

“Deanie! Deanie!” Sam smiled. “I want this one.”

Dean stared down at the boy. Dean grabbed Sam’s book and a book he had been keeping his eye on for a while. “Ok, bucko, that’s check out.”

“I can ring those up for you.” Cas smiled.

“Thanks.” Dean followed the blue eyed man.

“See you later, Dean.” Cas smiled as he walked away. In the process Dean tripped over a book stand and missed the door and hit he doorway. Sam thought it was hilarious. Dean turned to look at Cas who was smiled goofily. ‘Dean proceeded to throw up in the bathroom when they got home from embarrassment. God, he didn’t do well with people.

**_I lose my way  
And it's not too long before you point it out_ **

Dean was beyond nervous. He hadn’t told Ellen about this said “date”. He just had Bobby pick Sam from school and keep him there until tomorrow when he came and picked him up. He paced his bedroom. 5 minutes after 8, Dean thought Castiel had stood him up, cause he said he was gonna be there at 8, but he was late, so that means it was all a set up. He was just playing with him, to break him. He somehow knew about John and thus the beatings would continue. He was brought back into reality when he heard the door bell ring.

He dashed to the door but slowed down not to seem to eager. He gave himself a pep talk and then opened the door. He let out the breath he forgot he was holding and smile at the drop dead gorgeous man who stood on his porch. “Hi.” He managed to say.

“I gather you haven’t been on a date in a while.” He smiled softly.

Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “Is it that obvious?”

“Just a little bit. You got everything?”

“Yeah…yeah.” Dean ran his finger through his hair. “Hey, I’m sorry, I just haven’t dated in a long time.”

“Matter of fact, I haven’t dated in a while either. We’ll learn together.” Cas smiled as they walked to Castiel’s car. It wasn’t until they got their table at a semi-fancy restaurant that they actually started asking each other questions. Little did Cas know that Dean couldn’t answer some of the questions he was asking. “So what grade is Sam in?”

“He’s a first grader. He’s growing up so fast. I just want him to stop and smell the roses sometimes, but he is dead set on always wanting to learn.”

“What made you want to buy the bookstore?” Dean propped his elbow on the table holding up his chin.

“I love books and I have always worked at that store and when I heard they were selling it I had to keep it going.”

“That’s admirable.” Dean smiled.

“How did you get your head injury?” Cas asked out of the blue.

Dean frowned. “Uhh, uhmm, I can’t…I can’t talk about that…”

“I understand. Just telling me when I’m hitting sore spots. I need to know my boundaries.” Cas nodded as they finished the last of the supper. “Do you wanna go back to my place?”

“Uhh, I’m don’t wanna move to fast, Cas. I don’t want this to be just a one night stand.” Dean mumbled.

“It doesn’t have to be about sex, Dean.” Cas smiled genuinely. “We can just sit on my couch in my apartment and talk until we past out.”

“I’m not ready to talk a lot about my past, Cas. That’s a door you don’t want me to open.” Dean looked down at his empty plate.

“I don’t have to know yet. You can tell me when you feel ready. I want this relationship to last and I know I’m not going anywhere, but you can opt out whenever you feel like this is too much.”

“I think I would like to go to your place.” Dean smiled shyly. “I want this to last too.”

Cas paid and they drove to Cas’s apartment. “I’m sorry, it’s not much. The bookstore doesn’t exactly pay the big bucks, but I get by.”

“No, it’s homey.” Dean smiled and looked around as he took his jacket off. “This is a better place than my house.”

“From what I saw it looked nice.” Cas walked over to Dean who was sitting down on the couch.

“I’ve kept it looking nice, I’ve been slowly teaching Sammy how to do some yard work, like sweep the porch or rack leaves. It’s the memories that make the house bad.” Dean wiped his hands down his face.

“Do you wanna tell me a little about what’s upsetting you?” Cas asked.

“No, no,…I can’t…if I do I’ll cry. That’s showing weakness, I just can’t.” Dean looked away from Cas.

He gently placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Crying is not weakness in my eyes. I think it’s just letting out all the bottled up emotions. You can tell me anything when you are ready, I want you to know that.”

Dean took Cas’s hand. “Cas, I’m not ok. I have severe PTSD and things that have been done to me that would make you cringe on the inside.” Dean gently touched the old scar going across his eyes. “I just wanna you to know what you’re getting yourself into.”

Cas smiled and leaned forward and pressed his lips against Dean’s. He went stiff for a mere second but loosened up and leaned into the kiss. Cas laced his fingers with Dean’s. He gently pulled away. “I thinking I handle it if you willing to keep me.”

“I’m willing.” Dean smiled.

**_I cannot cry  
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes_ **

He woke up that morning not remembering falling asleep, or even getting into bed. For a long moment he forgot he wasn’t in his own house. He rolled over to find the bed was empty, but someone had been sleeping with him. He sat up and looked at the clock. 10:45. He wiped a hand down his face. He had never slept in before. First it was John, now it’s Sammy waking up at 6 to watch TV before school.

He pulled himself out of bed and saw that he was in his boxers and undershirt. He looked down at his bare legs and saw the many scars angrily across his thighs and calves. They wrapped all the way around. He moved his arms out in front of him and looked at the old, white scars on his biceps that went down his arms and end with the dark scars around his wrists from decades of restraints along with multiple cigarette burners on both arms and legs. The worst spots were his back and chest. No one but him saw that, ever. He looked around the room searching for his clothes. He spotted them sitting neatly folded on the dresser.

“Good Morning Sleeping Beauty.” Cas smiled as he walked into the bedroom.

“Morning.” Dean flinched pulling at his shirt sleeves and pants leg as a pitiful attempt to hide the abundance of scars.

“I didn’t think you would want to get back into those nice clothes, so I searched from his extra sweatpants and an old t-shirt of mine.” He handed them to Dean.

“Thanks.” He spoke as he pulled the clothes on.

“Next time I say we need a caffeine refuel, we get a refuel. Cause when I got up to go to the bathroom and finally get my coffee refuel, you were passed out on the couch. I carried you to the bed and stripped out your pants and button down and tucked you into the bed. I folded the clothes and turned in for the night.”

Dean ran his fingers through his hair. “Uh, you—“ he paused. “You saw my arms…and legs…”

“I did.” Cas smiled “Quite fit and muscular. What about them?”

“They are…They are…”

“Beautiful and one of a kind.” Cas walked over to the man. “You don’t have to tell me anything, Dean.” He tried to wrap his arms around his torso to hind the scars from the blue eyed man. “Here, take my sweatshirt.”

“No I can’t take another piece of your clothing. These are already too much.” Dean stepped back from the sweater in Cas’s hand.

“If we are going to last, Dean. The clothes are going to make their way back here.” Cas got closer the Dean. “It’s just clothes.”

_‘You were out sucking dick, weren’t you, boy? You were some man’s cock slut. Winchesters are gay.’_

He faked a smile and slipped the sweatshirt on. He felt his face start to heat up and his body start to shake. “I-I-I have to go pick up Sammy.”

“Let me drop you off at your house so you can take your own car.” Cas grabbed his keys.

He couldn’t let Cas just let him go like that. He actually liked him. After years of trying to push back his feelings for the man because of John he didn’t want to screw things up. “Or you could just drive to Singer Salvage and drive both me and Sammy home.” He rubbed the back of his neck feeling his face flush. He was on the verge of a panic attack that he couldn’t control.

“Are you ok, Dean? You’re mighty red.” Cas slowly walked over to him. Dean shook his head and hid his face that was welding up with tears. “Dean?” He touched both of Dean’s shoulders and his knee gave him. Cas dropped with him and buried Dean’s face in his chest. “Shhh, shhh, it’s ok. You’re safe. Whatever it is, you’re safe. I’m here.”

Dean sobbed into Cas’s chest for a few minutes before going quiet but still shaking like a leaf. Cas just kept running his hands through Dean’s hair and rubbed his back and whispering little nothings in his ear. Soon Dean remerged from Cas’s chest and with red puffy eyes stared at Cas. “I’m sorry, Cas…”

“Don’t be…” Cas wiped the tears from Dean’s cheeks. “You don’t have to explain anything. Do you want me to pick up Sam for you and take both of you home? What’s your game plan?”

Dean was silent for a moment controlling his breathing and forcing himself to calm down. He didn’t look Cas in the eye. Cas didn’t ask any questions. If Dean wanted to say anything he was welcome to talk with him.

“Come on, bud. Let’s go pick up Sam and take you home. You are in no shape to drive.”

“Why aren’t you freaking out?” Dean mumbled as he looked up at Cas.

“Do you want me to freak out?” Cas shrugged.

Dean shook his head. “You just watched my have a panic attack and meltdown right in front of you and you’re as cool as a cucumber.”

“You’re ok, Dean. I don’t wanna know what you have been through until you are absolutely ready to tell me.” Cas helped the man to his feet.

“But…but y-you saw my arms and legs.” Dean whimpered.

“Yes, I did. They told a story.” He said confidently. “Seriously, lets get you off this subject and home with your brother.”

Dean nodded. “This is what you’re getting yourself into, Castiel.”

“I’m up for a challenge.” Cas smiled as they walked out of the house and to Cas’s car. “I can’t wait to meet Sam. From what you told me last night, he is adorable.”

“Yeah, he’s special.” Dean slid into the passenger seat and they drove off.

**_I'm forced to fake  
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life_ **

“You should come with.” Dean spoke as Cas pulled the car into park.

“Can I tell you something, Dean?” Cas looked over at the man. “Ellen told me not to speak with you, because she thinks I cause some of your panic attacks. I don’t think she will be too happy about you and me together.”

“It’s a good think I walked into your bookstore. You were just doing your job.” Dean smiled softly as they got out. Dean was the first to the door. He knocked and immediately they heard movement. Dean had to smirk because he could hear the excitement in Sam’s voice through the door as he rushed Bobby to unlock the door.

“Come on, Bobby! De’s here!”

“Give me a sec, ya Idjit.” Bobby grumbled. The door opened and Sam rushed over to Dean, who scooped him up in his arms.

Sam was still in his pajamas and his hair hadn’t been brushed. “Morning, Sammy.”

“DE! I missed you!” Sammy hugged Dean’s neck.

“I missed you too, buddy. Were you a good boy from Mama Ellen and Bobby?”

“YEAH!”

“Thanks, Bobby, for taking care of him last night.” Dean moved Sam onto his hip. “Tell Ellen thanks as well.”

“Why can’t you tell me right now, sweetheart.” Elle smiled as she walked to the doorway beside Bobby. She spotted Castiel standing beside Dean. “Oh, Dean I didn’t know you were bringing company.”

“Well, I was at his house, last night. This is Castiel Novak.” Dean introduced. “We better be going. Thanks again.”

“Bye bye!” Sam waved as Dean walked to Cas’s car. Sam stared at Cas. “De, who is he?”

“Don’t you remember him from the bookstore?” Dean opened the backseat of Cas’s car.

“No.” Sam replied simply.

Dean smirked. “This is Castiel, Sammy. He’s a good friend of mine.”

They drove home and Cas simply dropped them off like he said. He sat Sam in front of the TV and walked into the kitchen and splashed water on his face. _‘You are worthless. You should have never been let out in the daylight. You are not a Winchester. You are a cock sucking little whore. You deserve a beating. You should have your head bashed in.’_

John’s voice slammed into his skull; it was as clear as a bell. He covered his ear but the voice was never muffled. He slid to the floor and brought his knees to his chest. He ran his fingers through his hair and closed his eyes.

_‘You are not my son. You are a mistake; an abomination. Why didn’t I kill you many years ago? I could have many times, but I thought watching you suffer was more enjoyable. Sammy is barely getting by. Bobby feeds him. You keep the roof over his head, barely. You can’t do anything right. You have never done anything right! With that scar on your face you’re not even pretty enough to suck dick for money.’_

“Stop it!” Dean yelled at his father’s voice.

_‘You’re weak and pathetic. You will never grow up to be anything other than Daddy’s little slut. You stupid faggot.’_

“No, please, stop!” Dean covered his ears again. “Daddy, stop, please!”

_‘Raising Sammy. Ha. That’s a joke. Sammy is more of an adult than you are. I was always right about you. You are useless. You are just a bartender and part-time mechanic. A big ole gay faggot at that.’_

“Shut up! Stop it! Please! Shut up!” Dean yelled. That’s when he felt someone touch his knees. He freaks and flinched. His hands slammed against the cabinets and his legs spread apart. His head hit the counter as he stared at Sam wide eyed and freaked.

“Dean?” Sam asked sheepish.

Dean panted heavily. He blinked slowly and soon relaxed. “Sammy?”

“You were getting really loud and it was scary.” Sam played with the hem of his shirt.

Dean wiped a hand down his face. He was sweating and had tears on his cheeks. “I’m sorry, Sammy.”

“You haven’t taken your medicine.” Sam informed. Dean nodded and pressed his hand on the ground about to stand but Sam reached up on the counter and grabbed the orange pill bottle.

“No! Don’t!” Dean shot up and snatched the bottle out of Sam’s hand. “You don’t just grab my medication, Sammy. You don’t grabbed any medication that isn’t yours. Understand me?”

“Yes, Dean.” Sam whimpered.

“Don’t grab my medication, and only take medication I give you. You understand me, Sam.” Dean pointed a finger at Sam.

“I understand, Dean.” Sam’s lip quivered. “I’m sorry, De. I won’t do it again.”

Dean slumped over. “I’m sorry, Sammy.” He got on his knees and touched both of his little brother’s shoulders. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. You just don’t just grabbed medication, especially my meds. The only medicine you should take is the stuff I give you. If you accidently took my stuff or someone gave you something, you don’t know what could happen. It might not do anything, but it also might hurt you badly.”

A tear fell down Sam’s cheek. “I’m sorry, Dean.”

“Don’t cry, buddy. I’m sorry. I just had an episode. Please, I’m sorry.” Dean pulled Sam’s into a hug. “Promise me you won’t do that again.”

“I promise.” Sam nuzzled into Dean’s neck. “I love you, Dean.”

“I love you, too, Sammy.” Dean pulled away. “Go watch some more TV, I’ll finish lunch.”

**_My heart can't possibly break  
When it wasn't even whole to start with_ **

“ _You know, you fight and you fight for this family, but the truth is they don’t need you. Sam – he’s clearly John’s favorite.”_

_‘No.’_

_“I know how dead you are inside. How worthless you feel. I know how you look into a mirror... and hate what you see. I mean, you're going to hell and you won't lift a finger to stop it. Talk about low self-esteem. Then again, I guess it's not much of a life worth saving, now is it?’_

_‘Shut up! Stop!’_

_“I mean, after all, you've got nothing outside of Sam. You are nothing. You're as mindless and obedient as an attack dog.’_

_‘That’s- That’s not ture.’_

_‘No? What are the things that you want? What are the things that you dream? I mean, your car? That's Dad's. Your favorite leather jacket? Dad's. Your music? Dad's. Do you even have an original thought? No. No, all there is is, "Watch out for Sammy. Look out for your little brother, boy!" You can still hear your Dad's voice in your head, can't you? Clear as a bell. I mean, think about it ... ... all he ever did is train you, boss you around But Sam .... Sam he doted on. Sam, he loved. Dad knew who you really were. A good soldier and nothing else. Daddy's blunt little instrument. Your own father didn't care whether you lived or died. Why should you?’_

“Dean. Wake up, babe. You’re having a nightmare. Wake up for me, please.” Cas gently shook Dean.

“What?” Dean answered as he looked around the dark room only seeing Castiel’s almost glowing blue eyes. “Cas.”

“I’m right here, baby.” Cas relaxed. “I think it might be time for you to tell me about this nightmares.”

“I-I…Cas…it’s too much…”

“It’s been six weeks…please.”

Dean shook his head. “Cas, you don’t wanna know my past. Obviously it still haunts me.”

“If you think I’ll leave if I know your past, you’re wrong. I’m not going to leave, Dean.” Cas touched Dean’s shoulder.

He still shook his head and closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “My Dad abused me.” Cas stayed silent. He waited for Dean. “All the scars on my body are from him. He didn’t start off bad…it wasn’t until my mother died that he got really rough.”

“What happened to him?”

“He’s dead. Ellen…she found him…beating me with a baseball bat. She called the cops and watched as John crushed all but one of my ribs. He broken my nose and cheekbone. He broke the bat, he hit me so hard. From what I remember we were in the alley behind the roadhouse. I remember John pulling me up by my shirt and hitting me over the head with a crowbar. It was the worst pain I had ever felt. I watched him lift the piece of metal above his head again…he must have hit me again because I don’t remember anything after that.”

“Oh my God.” Cas covered his mouth with his hands.

“Ellen tells me that she saw the whole thing and when he hit me in the head with that crowbar she ran and grabbed her gun. She shot him enough to make him drop the metal and can’t run away. I was rushed to the hospital, in a coma for 2 months. When I woke up I had holes in my memories. After 3 I regained most of those lost memories, but some are gone forever.”

“What happened to John?”

Dean shook his head. “They kept him alive long enough for me to see him. I watched him die. He was put on death row and they fried him extra crispy, but the moment for they fried him he got his last words. I was sitting in a wheelchair on the front row behind a piece of glass. John could see me and I could see him. “ _You got nothing outside of Sam. You are nothing. You are worthless. I always hated you, you poor excuse of a man. You are not a Winchester.”_ Everything was supposed to be better when he was gone…but nothing has changed except I’m not being beat by John, but he haunts my every move.”

Cas turned Dean’s head so they were facing each other. “He’s gone, Dean. You have nothing to worry about. You are basically a father to Sam and a 10x times better father than John was.”

“But he’s in my head. He’s never going to leave my head.” Dean was shaking.

“Hey, hey, hey, I’m right here. Don’t think about your father. Think about me, Sammy, Ellen, Bobby. Whenever you see yourself falling into that hole just call me, think of me. Pull yourself out.” Cas tried to smile.

“It’s not that easy, Cas.” Dean frowned and slide out of bed and into the bathroom as he wiped the tears from his eyes.

**_I watched you die  
I heard you cry every night in your sleep_ **

Dean propped against the bar later in the evening. Sam was sitting the opposite side doing his homework. The place was pretty slow so he could help Sam and tend the bar. “Sammy, why do you even ask for my help? You know the answers.” Dean smirked.

“I wanna talk with you.” Sam said simply. Dean ruffled Sam’s hair and straightened his back. “When does Cas come over today?”

“What makes you think he’s comin over today?” Dean handed the other man at the bar a second beer.

“It’s Wednesday. He always comes over when he gets off work.” Sam nodded setting his pencil down. “I’m done with my homework.”

“Go back to Ellen’s office.” Dean watched Sam hop off the bar stool. He looked around the building and the man at the bar was staring at him. “What?”

“What your son?” He pointed to Sam with his beer bottle.

“Oh no, I’m only 24. That’s my brother. I’m his guardian.” Dean walked over to the man.

“He sure treats you like a Dad.” He smirked.

Dean propped against the bar again. “Doesn’t that mean I’m doing a good job?”

“I just wanna know how you became his guardian. First off there’s what a 15-16 year age difference.”

“Yeah, 16 years. My mom died during child birth with him…my Dad abused me until I was 21, almost killed me. He was on death row and was fried. Thus me being my brother’s guardian.”

“What a life, man. He acts very mature for his age.”

Dean nodded. “He was so young when this all happened. I leaned on him to help me through something he didn’t understand. I shouldn’t have. He’s a good kid, but he is growing up to fast. Things are getting better so I want him to slow down and smell the roses.”

The man nodded. “You’re doing a good job.” He threw down 30 bucks and walked away. Dean nodded and smiled. Things were getting better.

**_I was so young  
You should have known better than to lean on me_ **

**4 Years Later…**

Everything had been going perfectly fine. Cas made everything better. Four long years of dating him, they finally decided to drive to the grand canyon with Sam. Worst mistake. Adverted a drunk driver, but crashed into a tree.

“Dean? Dean! Wake up.” He heard. “Cas! NO! Wake up!”

Dean groaned and hissed in pain. He blinked and saw the damage. A tree branch was plunged into his stomach. He turned his head and saw Cas unconscious with a branch going through his right shoulder. His forehead was bleeding. He brought his left hand to his head and felt it; A branch skinning the side of his head. He swallowed hard and spoke. “Cas…Sammy.”

“Dean!” Sam cried. Cas began to stir. “Cas!”

“Sammy…call 911.” Dean mumbled.

“I already did, Dean.” Sam took Dean’s hand as Dean began to close his eyes. They were so heavy. “No, no, keep your eyes open, Dean.”

“Dean? Sam?” Cas mumbled blinking awake. “Are y’all ok?”

“I’m ok, Cas. You have a branch in your arm.” Sam panicked. “Dean’s not doing too well.”

“Dean, are you awake.”

Dean groaned. “I’m real tired.”

“Stay awake, Dean. I can hear sirens.” Cas spoke with a slur.

“You ok, Sammy.” Dean mumbled. “Stay Strong, Sammy.”

“I’m fine, Dean. Worry about yourself, please. Keep your eyes open.” Sam cried. The boy was only 12. He should be seeing his brother and brother’s boyfriend like this. “Keep your eyes open, De.”

Two paramedics rushed over to Dean’s side of the car. “Hello, I’m Doctor Turner, we’re going to get you out as safe as possible.”

More paramedics came and sawed the limbs close enough to be able to pull Dean and Cas out of the car. With a back brace and sitting up straight Dean’s head laid back limp and breathing softly. He was the main priority. They rushed Dean to the hospital leaving Sam with Cas as they made their way there. But Sam threw a fit beforehand. “NO! I have to go with my brother! Dean!” Sam dashed towards Dean’s gurney. Officer Mills grabbed him and held him tight. “NO! Dean! I have to go with my brother! NO!”

Cas was still alert. He was in a lot of pain because of the limb sticking out of his shoulder. “Sam. Sam. Calm down. Doctors had to take Dean away to the hospital. He’s really hurt. He needs you to stay strong for him. You can ride with me.”

Sam wiped his eyes. He was shaking in fear the whole ride and the wait to find out about his brother. Bobby and Ellen rushed over and waited with Sam as both Cas and Dean underwent surgery to remove the branches. After 3 hours a doctor came into the waiting room. The three stood and held their breath. “Castiel is out of surgery. He is gonna be ok. His arm is gonna be casted up for a while, but he’s perfectly fine.”

“What about Dean?” Sam blurted out.

“He’s still in surgery.” That’s all the doctor could say. Sam dropped into his chair and the tears started up again. Ellen held him tight as they waited to get notified that Cas was awake or that Dean was out of surgery. Sam was terrified. He saw how bad Dean looked in the car. He knew that it didn’t look good for Dean. He was afraid that he was going to be right about what was going to happen.

10 hours…A doctor came into the waiting room covered in blood and a frown on his face. Sam immediately stood. Bobby and Ellen knew the news wasn’t good. They took each other’s hands. Sam walked over to Doctor Turner. “Doc…?”

He lowered himself to Sam’s level. “We did everything we could, son. Dean was bleed internally and we couldn’t stop it in time.”

“No…” Sam’s lip quivered. “Dean’s gonna be ok, Doctor Turner.”

“Call me Rufus. I’m sorry, son. Your brother passed away.” Rufus placed a hand on Sam’s shoulder. “You are welcome to see him one last time.”

Sam dropped to his knees. “No, Dean, he can’t be gone. He was getting better.” He heard Ellen let out a sob. “He was getting better! He can’t be gone!”

“Sam, come on, let’s go see him.” Bobby lifted the boy to his feet. Sam clung to Bobby’s shirt and sobbed. They followed Rufus to the morgue. Sam rushed to his brother’s side.

“Dean…” Sam whispered. “Don’t leave me. Wake up. Please, wake up.” He touched Dean’s cold cheek.

Bobby touched Sam’s shoulder. “I’ll give you a moment with him.”

Sam took his brother’s hand. “You always tell me to be strong. I can’t be strong without you, Dean. I look up to you! You can’t be gone. I’ll be all alone. I’m scared, Dean. I’m really scared. I don’t know what to do, Dean. Don’t leave me, big brother. We were going to see the Grand Canyon. You were going to finish telling me stories about Mom. You were going to marry Cas. You bought a ring and everything. You can’t leave yet.” Sam sobbed pressing his face against Dean’s chest. “Don’t go, please.”

Bobby watched from the window. Sam didn’t understand. He was still so innocent. It broke Bobby’s heart to see Sam break down. Dean was all the family Sam had left that was actually blood. He gently opened the door and walked over to Sam. He touched Sam’s back and the little boy shot up and stared at Bobby. “I’m sorry, Sam.”

“I’m scared, Bobby.”

“I know, son. Everything’s going to be ok.” Bobby let a few tears fall from his eyes.

**_You never thought of anyone else  
You just saw your pain_ **

Cas didn’t know. He was still unconscious from surgery. Bobby lead Sam into Cas’s room. Sam stumbled into the hospital room to find Cas almost fully alert. “Sam? What’s wrong?” He spoke immediately know something was really wrong.

Sam’s lip quivered. “Cas…”

Cas’s eyes went wide. “What?”

“Dean…didn’t make it.” Sam sobbed again. Cas blinked and looked down at his hands. He was silent. His face was emotionless. “Did you hear me?”

“Yes…Sam, I did.” Cas spoke softly.

“Why aren’t you saying anything? Your boyfriend is dead. You’re showing no emotion.” Sam spat out as tears ran down his face. “Why are you so calm?”

“His injuries were bad. I knew there was a chance he wouldn’t survive.” Cas almost whispered.

Sam frowned. “You dated him for four years. Y’all were in love. He loved you so much and here you are not showing any emotion. You’re just sitting there like someone you didn’t even know just died. What kind of boyfriend are you?”

Cas nodded. “You wouldn’t understand. Sam, you should go home and rest.”

“NO! I don’t wanna go home!” Sam blurted out. “When I go home I will be reminded of Dean. I can’t.” Cas stayed silent. He didn’t look at Sam. “Whatever. I thought you were a good boyfriend to Dean. I guess not.”

Cas spent a week in the hospital. Sam never came to visit him. He had been living at Dean’s house for the past 3 years. He came home and walked into the bedroom on the perfectly made bed. He sat on the end of the bed and held his head in his good hand. He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Dean.”

He hadn’t slept that whole week. He was plagued with nightmares of that night and when Sam announced that Dean had pasted. He missed Dean’s funeral. He just couldn’t go. He had cried himself to sleep every night. He had never said goodbye to Dean. He barely remembers he’s last words to Dean. Or Dean’s last words to him. “ _Stay awake, Dean. I hear sirens.”_

He didn’t hear Sam step into the bedroom. He flinched when he felt he bed dip. Sam was a mess. His eyes were puffy and his hair was a mess. It was a school week and Sam was home. “Why are you in school?”

“I can’t right now.” Sam spoke softly.

Cas nodded and kept looking at Sam. “Dean’s in a better place now. He’s not haunted by the nightmares of his father. He is finally at peace. We both know he was just managing everything. His head was just barely above water.”

“Do you think he did that on purpose?” Sam had been thinking about that for a while.

“I don’t know. Do you remember a drunk driver?” Cas scratched the back of his neck. “Do you know how you came out with a just a few cuts and bruises and I just got hit in the shoulder yet he got the worse of it?”

“Maybe there was a drunk driver but Dean’s swerved and made sure we were ok.” Sam thought out loud.

“I’d like to think like that, Sam.” Cas nodded.

They sat there in silence. They both were thinking about the good times they had with Dean. He was definitely in a better place than the Hell he lived through. Anything was better than that. After a while Sam turned to Cas. “Cas… _I am afraid.”_

“It’s gonna be ok, Sam. It’s ok to be afraid. I am too.” Cas held Sam tight with his good arm. “We are gonna get through this together.”

**_***_ **


End file.
